Just a Short Long Post

Ever since I have finished all my stuff that has been going on in University, it feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This fast-paced life I have been living for the past few months suddenly comes to a halt. When you've been so used to everything happening so fast, it feels wrong that I have nothing to do or look forward to. Sure I have some loose ends to tie for certain stuff but I have no big plans. Nothing to look forward to. Except maybe.. Examinations? :o

So I guess I will now start on some things that I have been meaning to do but never came about to. Hopefully the fire within me isn't a temporary thing. I'll keep you guys updated if I do get around doing those things *cheeseysmile*

I'm really thankful to a lot of good things that have been happening. There were bad things going on but I let them go. Learnt from them. Gained from them. I really just want to move on with my life. I gotta thank my homies though, for being with me throughout this whole time, remaining to be my best friends despite me being AWOL at times. Thank you, for sticking with me, even at my worst. 

What I really want most right now though, is to get to the beach, lie down on the sand and stare at the stars with a bottle of beer in my hand. It doesn't matter if I'm alone or not, but I really want to do that. Sadly, I'm in no position to do so. I'm pretty much stuck in a concrete jungle :/

Meanwhile I have been considering what activities to join next year, but then again, I want to focus on certain aspects in life so I'm really caught in between things. I have spoken to a few people but, I guess, I haven't quite found the answer yet.

I have a question though, what makes you happy?

What makes you truly happy? It used to be a simple thing for me. Seeing other people happy. But then I realized that the happiest people are actually the saddest and loneliest people. It's funny how I only started to realize this after some incidents. I think the most obvious one was the death of the respectable Mr. Robin Williams. Then I started to look around in my university, the people whom I really look up to, the leaders and the ones who take a stand in their lives, are the people whom I see ,are always alone. But sometimes I wonder, are they really alone? 

Does it mean that being on top means that you're alone? But why? Not only being on top such as being a president or being the top scorer or such, but more like, people who have this sense of aura that just gets your respect, I bet you have met these exceptional people right? These people are usually alone. They have contributed so much yet no one seems to know. Actually, they might recognize their efforts but what happens after that? No one remembers them. Does one have to be as great as Karpal Singh? or even Paul Walker? Why do people only appreciate people when they're gone? 

I'm in the midst of finding some meanings of life. I guess we never stop learning eh? For what reason do we work so hard in life, study so hard to graduate with a degree and later go on dates? For what reason do we participate in this cycle of life to study, to graduate, to marry, to have kids and the cycle repeats. Why? Is there not more to life than all this? There must be more to life than all this.

My greatest fear is knowing that no one else quite understands what I'm trying to say.. and to hear the truth. Which is, that life is just as such. 

Funny how time has changed us all. When I was young, I used to tell my sister to not use swear words. Now? I use it so often that it's odd to not hear them from me. The changes never stop. How bitter life has made some of us, How sweet it has made some of us. How our eyes have taught us to see the world better, or worse. How I learn more about myself each day scares me. Sometimes I see so much flaws within me that I begin to question myself. I feel lost. I feel ... that I'm missing something. Like I just finished a whole puzzle but there is this one thing that just doesn't seem right with the picture. When do these unsettling feelings stop coming back? They come and go, like a hurricane inside of my mind. In the end, I just want to find my place here. 

Tasha G Lim