That Emptiness

Have you ever felt like you were the only kid who didn't have a gang of friends? Or maybe even amongst your group of friends, you felt awkward? You never felt the need to question why but that thought was always in your head. Sometimes the conversations bore you but you can't say anything because they are your friends and you know that you tolerate their crap just as much as they tolerate yours. Nevertheless, in your heart, sometimes you feel alone. I guess it's all normal right? 

I miss conversations, I miss hugs, I miss a lot of people in my life whom I wish never went away. People I wish never strayed away. But I can't get them back. I realise that now. There's no point in me trying so hard but they don't give a shit about me. What's the point? Move on eh? It's so easy to say but so hard to do. Nevertheless, I must do it. I must move on. Learning to live without the people you once relied on so much onto is hard.

I have just gone through a lot of things in life. My first semester in university was full all of all sorts of stuff. There were fun times like hanging out with friends, supper, chatting and so on. There were hectic times like organising an event and keeping up with assignments. There were also really down times like going through emotional crap, dealing with betrayal from friends, living with politics amongst people and many more. I think it was a pretty darn good experience though. The battlescars however, leave me wondering if it was all worth it or not. True enough, I did find some real friends and learned a thing or two. However, the emptiness remains.

I came back home during my study break. I was so stressed out because I was worried for my examinations. It's not something you want to worry about but it's just there. I feel like I tried my best but sometimes you wonder just how much is your effort worth. I heard that some people just fail university even though they spent all that time studying while the party kids aced them. So where do I fall in the categories? I did my part, so let's just hope it was worth all those sleepless nights. At some point, I just couldn't study anymore and I went berserk in my room. My roommate thought I was possessed. Hahaha xD It was an epic moment then. Don't you hate it too, when you literally feel worried for something and someone else goes like, 'please don't fake it' or 'we know you studied hard, so don't talk crap.' Well people, the pressure is still there. We all have different reasons to study and different reasons as to why we try so hard, pushing ourselves to the limit. Of course my fear is real. It's as real as can be. So really, sometimes it gets so annoying when people think you're faking it or feel like you are just bullshitting. Well buddy, I ain't that free.

The battle with my first semester exams were crazy. I studied like a zombie and had insomnia during and even after examinations. I couldn't sleep! It drove me nuts, lying on my bed at 6am, unable to catch a wink. It drove my emotions nuts too because I became so damn cranky.

Right after exams, I took a break and went to Ipoh. My roommate's hometown. It's beautiful place with loads of beautiful people and great food. I have to say, Penang has met its match in some ways haha I uploaded the pictures in my instagram if you're curious: tashageorginalim

I haven't updated much here because I have been busy. I won't promise updates but I'll rant when I feel like it.

I'm not done for now anyway.

2014 for me was a process of learning and I did learn a lot. I love the ups and I have to deal with the downs. My jobs gave me fun experiences and fun people to work with. It's nice right now, to sit and chill a little.

I'll update a bit more on that tomorrow I think. Right now, I have to do some work :P

but this post was basically for me to rant.

Thanks for reading this random rant.


Love,

Tasha G Lim